EL THOUGHTZOS

I write my shitty thoughts here.

Bloody Knife

6/16/20

BEING THE GOTH KID IN SCHOOL ISN'T FUN. FUCKERS ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF ME, CALL ME SCHOOL SHOOTER, AND ASK ME STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS TO GET A RISE OUT OF ME. MAYBE THAT'S WHERE MY FIXATION FOR COLUMBINE CAME FROM. NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO HARM ANYONE, I DON'T HAVE THAT BONE IN MY BODY. BUT! I DO RELATE TO THEM.... I RELATE TO THEM IN THE WAY THAT THEY'RE CONSIDERED THE NOBODIES, THE WEIRDOS, I'M THAT KID TOO.

I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.

6/22/20

SOMETIMES I QUESTION HOW MUCH PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE ME. I GET JEALOUS OFTEN TOO, IT'S A BAD HABIT. I OFTEN DOUBT MY RELATIONSHIPS AND IT'S STARTING TO TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORSE ON MY MENTAL HEALTH. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS BUT LATELY I'VE BEEN DOUBTING MORE THAN USUAL. I'M SO GODDAMN PARANOID ANYMORE, I JUST WANT TO BE FIXED. I WANT TO BE OKAY FOR ONCE AND I JUST WISH THAT FOR ONE MOMENT I DIDNT WANT TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.

IT'S THE SAME THING EVERY DAMN DAY.

7/7/20

TODAY DOESN'T FEEL REAL. FIRST OF ALL, THE SHIT THAT WENT DOWN YESTERDAY/LAST NIGHT WAS TRAUMATIC AND I NEVER WANT TO FEEL THREATENED LIKE THAT AGAIN. I COMPLETELY WIPED MY TWITTER AND EVEN CHANGED MY HANDLE TO AVOID THE "TCC PURGE" THAT WENT DOWN. SCARY SHIT IF YOU ASK ME, AND I DON'T WANT MY SAFE SPACE TO BE RUINED BECAUSE SOME SHITHEAD DECIDED TO THROW OUT RANDOM TIPS. SECOND OF ALL, I ACTUALLY GOT MY MIND OFF OF EVERYTHING AND I'VE BEEN FEELING BETTER, WAY LESS ANXIOUS TOO. FEELS NICE TO WORRY A LITTLE LESS FOR ONCE, UNLIKE HOW I AM USUALLY, AN ANXIOUS MESS WHO WORRIES TOO MUCH FOR THEIR OWN GOOD. WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME? MAYBE IT'S JUST THE FACT THAT I'M AN EMPATH. A LOT OF PEOPLE TEND TO LAY THEIR SHIT ON ME AND IT REALLY BUILDS UP, EVEN IF IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM I STILL ABSORB PAIN LIKE A FUCKING SPONGE.

GODDAMN, THESE MEDS AREN'T WORKING SO WELL ANYMORE.

7/10/20

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE AND THEIR ATTITUDES. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TAKE THEIR ANGER OUT ON ME WHEN I DON'T DESERVE IT. I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU'RE SHITTY AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE. YOU CAUSED SOOOO MUCH EMOTIONAL DISTRESS FOR ME, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN LIFE!!!! DON'T TALK TO ME AGAIN, AND DON'T CALL ME FAKE WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE UP SHIT. GOD.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR GODDAMN FACE EVER AGAIN, FUCKER.

7/10/20

I'M BACK FOR THE SECOND FUCKING TIME TO RANT ABOUT THIS DOUCHEBAG. FIRST OF ALL, HE COMPLETELY MADE SHIT UP ABOUT THE SITUATION AND DIDN'T ASK FOR CLARIFICATION. THEN, HE BLOCKS ME ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA! TURNS OUT HE WAS TALKING SHIT ON ME, CALLING ME A DUMB BITCH AND "FAKE" WHEN HE WAS THE ONE WHO ACTED LIKE A PETTY FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL PREP. THE IDIOT IS STILL MAD AT ME, EVEN AFTER I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING AND EXPLAINED WHAT HAPPENED. HE AND THE OTHERS INVOLVED THINK I'M LYING BUT I HAVE WITNESSES! I HAVE FUCKING PROOF BUT THEY WON'T TAKE IT. THEY'RE JUST MANIPULATING ME. THEY DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE WHEN THEY OWE ME A HUUUUUUGE FUCKING APOLOGY. WHATEVER, I'M DONE TRYING WITH THEM AND THEY'RE NOT WORTH MY TIME AND THEY DON'T DESERVE MY FRIENDSHIP. I'VE SUPPORTED THEM FOR YEARS BUT I GUESS IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER TO THEM. GODDDDD I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE AND THEIR SHITTY FUCKING PERSONALITIES, YOU REALLY SEE WHAT THEY'RE LIKE AFTER A WHILE. I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS TO RELY ON ANYMORE, I ONLY HAVE THOSE ON THE INTERNET. THANKS FOR BEING THERE FOR ME WHEN THE PEOPLE WHO I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST ABANDONED ME.

FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER TOO. I HATE YOU ALL. YOUR DEMISE IS MY HAPPINESS.

7/16/20

I'M BACK AGAIN TO BITCH ABOUT STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE. I GOT SCREAMED AT FOR NO GODDAMN REASON. STUPID ASS BITCH GOT IN MY FACE, TOO! I HATE FUCKERS WHO THINK THEY'RE ENTITLED AND I HAAAAATE NARCISSISTS. I HATE FUCKERS WHO CAN'T ADMIT THAT THEY'RE WRONG OR ARE TOO GOOD TO APOLOGIZE. FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, BECAUSE IT'S NOT! NOT EVERYTHING IS YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS SO DON'T MAKE IT YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH.

7/26/20

I'M NOT TOO ANGRY WHEN WRITING THIS BUT I STILL NEED TO RANT I GUESS.. A PERSON I'VE BEEN ATTEMPTING TO AVOID IS TRYING TO PUSH HIS WAY INTO MY LIFE, AND IT'S FUCKING ANNOYYYIIIINNNNGGGGGGG! LIKE, I STAYED IN CONTACT AND SHIT AND LET HIM FOLLOW ME ON STUFF BUT I STOPPED TALKING TO HIM AS OFTEN BECAUSE I NEED MY DAMN SPACE BUT APPARENTLY IT PISSED HIM OFF. I'M GONNA BLOCK THIS FUCKER AFTER I WRITE THIS BUT CAN PEOPLE NOT TAKE A DAMN HINT? LIKE, IF I DON'T TALK TO YOU FOR A MONTH.. DON'T YOU THINK I'D LIKE SOME SPACE? SOME PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN SELFISH AND DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW OTHERS COPE WITH THEIR MENTAL ILLNESS. I USUALLY JUST TALK TO PEOPLE LESS AND TRY TO FOCUS ON MYSELF, BUT NOOOOO, THAT'S ME AVOIDING HIM AND BEING A FAKE BITCH! I DON'T REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS PERSON OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT THEY USE ME AS THEIR FUCKING THERAPIST. THIS ENTRY IS ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE, SORRY IF IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO FOLLOW. I'M SCATTERBAINED AS HELL RIGHT NOW.

NOW FUCK OFF!

8/1/20

SOMETIMES I HATE MY DAMN JOB. I HATE WAKING UP EARLY TO BE ANOTHER CORPORATE FUCKING SLAVE. BUT YOU NEED MONEY TO LIVE, RIGHT? WELL, IT'S FUCKING SHIT. I GUESS MY COWORKERS MAKE IT WORTH MY WHILE.. I DON'T KNOW. TODAY WAS A RELATIVELY GOOD DAY, BUT I'M STILL FUCKING DEPRESSED AS SHIT AND IT REALLY GETS OLD! I KEEP ASKING TO SEE A THERAPIST BUT I'M GETTING IGNORED. BUT THEN AGAIN IS A THERAPIST WORTH IT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT'LL HELP ME ANYMORE. I HAVE SUCH A NORMAL FACADE BUT I'M SO MENTALLY DRAINED AND FUCKED UP.

SHORT AND SWEET, I GUESS?